I wasn’t sure I heard her right, what kind of therapist would ask such a question. Was she playing with me? She seemed serious enough so I thought I would at least get a chuckle from it. With a smug face I told her my mom made me and I had no intention of wasting both of our time as I was getting up to bolt. In my head it was a waste of time.
No black person goes for a therapy session especially me and to make matters worse to a white therapists . The least mom could do was get me a black one same as me with a profound taste in shoes. Not saying there is something wrong with wearing pumps but I have no respect for women who wear shoes that look like a Chinese grad student art project.
She narrowed her eyes and sternly asked me to sit down might tv as well make use of the hour since my father has already bankrolled the project. Slowly I sank back into her couch and kept my head down to hide the embarrassing laugh that was brewing
Let’s start again, why do you think you are here or better yet tell me about the suicide. All at once , things got real serious. My heart stopped seemed everything came to a stand still. Like there was an invisible vacuum sucking all the air out of the room.
I prayed and hoped I heard her wrong. I felt betrayed by my mom , she promised we were t going to talk about it. Tears burned my eyes she promised we would work it out , no one was supposed to know. I thought that I was doing great. I wanted to run out of the room shake her and scream.
I knew she was saying something but I couldn’t focus on the words. It felt like I was underwater and a weird weight pulling me back to that night. I blindly reached out in my pocket took out a cigarette but I couldn’t find the light. Searched all my pockets and I started freaking out I knew I heard a lighter somewhere I always keep it with me at all time. I even flipped the couch . I couldn’t breathe I was losing my shit and I heard a strange voice asking me what I was looking for. That’s when it hit me my couch wasn’t grey and my house is new this neat.
I turned and there she was looked at me calmly and told me she does not allow smoking in her office I should try lying down on my back and count backwards. When I feel normal again , which I doubt I would no thats like anymore I could tell here how I started smoking.
Absent mindedly I said college more to myself than her. It all came rushing back. Everything started because if that math impromptu exam. She asked me to take her through it.
Sitting at the back of the class I heard planned on studying the day before. I knew the exam was coming and I knew I was going to fail and it would fuck my credit score which was already turned to shit . I couldn’t afford to fail math especially at this stage . I’ve been acting the subject ever since I could walk and I couldn’t bare how much I was flunking in college
Took out my calculus text and started looking up the solutions and it wasn’t a hard thing to do si e the teacher was a lazy prick he would just print out an end of chapter test and change the title. Half way in the exam guided by the textbook I was working them out no problem until the tutor taos me on my shoulder and tells me to leave the exam room, take my sheet and weight at the lecturer’s office .
I was fucked and the whole class knew it .I could t bluff my way out of that one took my hit and headed out . Instead of heading for the office I went to the basketball court so clear my head before heading to the office since I had 29 more minutes to kill and it was a quiet place to think especially during the mornings before the afternoon crowd started flocking in.
I don’t know why I didn’t look up but. Hoarse “nice shoes ,who bought them for you startled me. Instead of being angry I was amused. Why would this arrogant ass think some one bought me these shoes like I was an invalid with no tastes of their own